ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
