so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
