im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
