i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
