if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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