First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
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