So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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