I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
