Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
