I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
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I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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