You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
