i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
