I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
