I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
