I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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