just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
All I want is dick and wine.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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