life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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