I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
