I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
