You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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