u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
