Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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