Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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