I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
