im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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