Jerry, you need to find god
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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