So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
