he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
