So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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