Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
