I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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