i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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