Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
