if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
