The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
