Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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