I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
