hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
