Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
