If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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