sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
