why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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