I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
