i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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