Having a random hookup so left but love u
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize
