Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
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She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
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I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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