The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
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I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
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She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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