I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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