were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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