I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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