Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
