I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
