WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Randomize
