Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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