Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I look better un-naked...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
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Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
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When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!