i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?