the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
