Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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