Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
