I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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